Closure

However not a writer, I have to write about all the emotions I have pent up inside me in one form or another. Sometimes they are expressed through my artwork, and lots of times I will try to write a friend, whom recently has become very ill and cannot handle the stress of my writings. Before
that I wrote in a blog that was completely secret until I shared the website with a woman from my church where I USED to attend and she told everybody everything as if I was demonic
and had just come from hell. (Little did she know that we were all already here!) Then, the things
I need to write about sometimes are not very pretty, and nice, and good like the rest of the world wants to pretend the dream is all good. But my situation now stands here. How much should I share, how much can I portrait without being judged and ridiculed? Not that I care at all because I dont ususally give a damn about anything, but right now I have small children and I do care about them and how our "family" secrets would hurt them later. Espically if it has nothing to do with them, so I will write a book about my life, my art, and why? Lots of why's I am now starting to understand about myself and my art. Of course if you are searching you will find the answers.
My problem in life is about LOVE! Mostly about loving myself. And If I have troubles with that then one with any idea can see what problems can arrise from those circumstances.
Im just dreamed about me trying to help an old lady across the street. But this isnt just some OLD LADY, and the street was a very fast moving 4 lane highway. The place where this woman was trying to cross was right where the traffic was coming under a bridge and around a curve in the rain at dusk. Why these circumstances I dont know, but the woman was absolutely adamant about crossing as well! I kept trying to talk to her about not crossing there, and allowing me to help her, but she refused and shrugged her sholders for me to go away. I remember grabbing her elbow to insist and the fucking cat woke me up!! I want that cat gone! But my daughter would cry for days, and I just cannot take anymore tears right now from anybody. Mine are
just too many lately trying to pull myself together. Not much love around here for sure, and Im sure I am not the victim here either probablly the cause as I am a leader here in this family, however Ive been mixed up with some pretty disfunctional men. This is my 3rd marriage.
The way my heart and mind work, I think I am best alone and would very much like to be now as the turmoil around here causes me to go into my art process with alot of hostility where it all comes out in my artwork.
My sick friend asks me to create beautiful artwork. Yea, like there is beauty anywhere in my life and heart. It all hurts, and now, right now, it hurts bad.
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